US Senate Releases Hot Coffee Mod
WASHINGTON — The American people have a new reason to get interested in politics as the Senate has officially released its Hot Coffee mod, according to a press conference from Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. The mod, which introduces a playable sex minigame into the Senate Hearing Room, was created with the intention of making politics more appealing, as Schumer explained when asked by a reporter.
“We understand that many young Americans don’t care much for politics. Between Republicans trying to destroy democracy and Democrats’ intention to fund any war they can find, a lot of our citizens choose to just check out from politics and play Fortnite instead,” Schumer said.
“With the Hot Coffee mod, we hope more people will become interested in the political process. Our citizens have been getting screwed in the Senate Hearing Room for decades, so now it’s their turn to come in and do the screwing.”
Aidan Maese-Czeropski, the Senate staffer who designed the mod, explained the mechanics.
“First you choose whether to play as a top or bottom. Bottoms must complete a quick-time event, while tops have to push the analog stick up and down in rhythm to build an excitement meter. It’s really great that the American people will finally be able to take a more active role in the screwing that goes on in Congress.”
Not all are happy about the mod. Several Republicans have come out against it during interviews on the matter.
“This shouldn’t be something we allow here. That’s the kind of activity you do in the audience of a musical, not in the Senate,” said Lauren Boebert.
“I don’t even know how this kind of thing is tolerated. I could maybe see the value of this mod if it allowed you to watch while your wife engaged in it with someone, but to participate yourself is disgusting behavior,” said Ted Cruz.
“Its existence is egregious and… and…” Mitch McConnell said before freezing up.
As of press time, the Senate is working on relocating the mod to an airport bathroom in order to appeal more to Republicans.
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